In My Head
by Itaweasel-hime
Summary: Post-Dalek. After the incident in Utah, Rose starts to recognize the fact that the Doctor wasn't exactly the man she thought he was. But she knows he could heal, if he would just let her in.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters to Doctor Who.

* * *

She watched from the narrow hallway as he collapsed into the seat in the control room. Rose was certain that she had never seen him look so tired, and she sincerely wanted to speak to him about what had taken place under the salt flats of Utah, in that horrible bunker. He must have assumed that she was back in the deep recesses of the TARDIS, helping Adam settle in, because she heard him start to mutter to himself about that Dalek. _What if there's more?_ There was an edge of panic to him that she had never witnessed before, and it terrified her. The Doctor was always confident, sometimes overly so. To see him doubt himself was just wrong.

In his privacy, he had already tossed his leather jacket to the side, and Rose bit her lip-he looked so small and naked without it. Because, she realized now, behind that bravado, behind that big, manly jacket, he was lonely and scared. Of what, she could not be entirely certain, because he kept so much from her. There were too many secrets, and now, his damned secrets had put her in danger.

She began to approach, taking him by surprise when her soft footsteps clanked against the metal grating of the control room floor. He seemed to anticipate an interrogation, because his shoulders visibly tensed and his expression became drawn. He did not want to talk about what had happened.

Rose could understand this, but dammit, he had pointed a gun at her today. She deserved some sort of explanation from him. He was in pain, a broken man that had just faced his worst enemy, but never would she ever thought he would do something so heartless. The Doctor was not the man she thought she was traveling with, and she felt she had a right to know who he really was, after such a display of rage.

Instead of jumping at his throat though, she scooted him over to sit. She relaxed into the seat, leaning into the cushion and letting her head lull to the side, resting on his shoulder. His discomfort radiated off him in waves. Rose sighed though, and his expression softened slightly, even though the muscles of his shoulders and back were still taut with anxiety. Feeling especially brave, even though she had already crossed too many boundaries thus far, she gently ran a hand up his arm, coaxing him into a state of ease.

"I really don't want to talk about it, Rose," he said quietly.

She laced her fingers through his. "I'm not gonna forget so easy, Doctor."

And he already knew that. He knew when she ran to his side, and he threw down his gun to pull her up into his arms. He also knew that for the sake of his own sanity, he was not ready to speak to her of the Daleks, of the Time War, of The Oncoming Storm.

She really had no more to say to him though, and it would have taken extreme measures to get anything out of the Doctor. Silence settled over them in an icy sheet. Both knew that if they were going to get past this incident, they would have to talk. There were too many things left unsaid. He kept his history under lock and key-had from the very beginning-and refused to tell her anything. It was more than just his past, though. Rose could never be sure, not with the Doctor, but the Dalek had said something, and it was an idea she was having difficulty shaking.

_What use are emotions if you cannot save the woman you love? _

It was those words that had forced the Doctor into opening the bulkheads and releasing her and the Dalek. He had put the entire base in danger again, because a Dalek had accused him of loving her. Her life had been in jeopardy at the time, so Rose had hardly been able to process the implications, but now, curled against his side in such an assuming, intimate fashion, it was hard to ignore. She wanted to tell herself that it was impossible. There was no way the Doctor could ever love _her. _He had only opened the bulkheads because he was responsible for her. He had promised to bring her home, safe.

But he had risked so much, just for her. If they had not stopped that Dalek, it could have gotten out of the base. It could have exterminated half the planet, with no one to prevent it. The entire human race, gone. Just like that. Because he wanted to save her. Rose knew she was not worth the human race. It would have altered history indefinitely, so many millions of lives would have never existed, just like that. And if she was capable of figuring this much out, surely the Doctor was too. He had known all this, and yet...

Well, it was impossible to ignore the implications of _that. _

Only to further prove her currently line of thought, he shifted slightly, lifting his arm up and then around her shoulders. If he knew what she was thinking, she was certain cuddling was the last thing he would do. Smiling despite herself, she huffed, sneaking her arm around his waist.

And the Doctor did what he did best. He ran.

"So, How's Adam doing?"

She snuck a peek up at his face. He was staring ahead, looking pained.

"Fine, I'm sure," she retorted.

He nodded his head, though by his expression, he clearly did not agree. "Of course," he murmured.

Rose scowled. "Knock it off, Doctor."

He shrugged away from her, standing. "I'm not doing anything," he countered quietly.

And that was the problem. He never did anything. He found something on the console to fiddle with, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and turning away from her, hiding his face. It was frustrating. It took a moment for it to occur to her why it bothered her so much. And why he had brought up Adam.

He was _jealous. _Here she was, some insignificant human, and she had gone and made a Time Lord _jealous. _Did he actually believe that she had any real interest in Adam? the thought was ridiculous to her, knowing how she felt for the Doctor. Surely he must have understood how she felt for him. They had spent so much time together, and she had hardly hidden it. She was an open book for him to read.

Yet, he believed that she had brought Adam with them as a boy toy? For being such a genius, he could be thick. And maybe she should give him a real reason to be jealous, if that was what he really thought of her.

"Goodnight," she grumbled, "I think I'll check on how Adam's doing."

He didn't look up to see her leave.

* * *

After a good eight hours of sleep-there really was no such thing as _morning _on the TARDIS-Rose, with Adam in tow, greeted the Doctor in the galley. He was casually leaning against a counter, nursing his habitual cup of 'morning' tea. The Doctor looked surprisingly at peace, and she almost felt guilty. Not enough to stop herself from snaking her arm around Adam's hip.

"So, Adam," she started cheerily, "fancy something for breakfast?"

He shook his head. "I'm not much of a morning person. I don't really eat anything until noon."

The Doctor frowned at this, not pleased to have something in common with Rose's current idiot boyfriend.

Rose scoffed. "I swear," she teased, "you two could be twins."

She watched from the corner of her eye as the Doctor bristled. Adam didn't look to pleased by her comment either, but didn't say anything. He was smart enough to sense there was something between the Doctor and his beautiful companion, and the last thing he wanted was to be the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Rose's hold tightened slightly when he showed signs of leaving the room, though. He was already caught between them, it seemed.

"Rose," the Doctor sighed in exasperation, "don't even pretend to think a human is capable of being my intellectual twin. It isn't funny."

Adam glowered at the insult. Maybe having Rose hanging on his hip wasn't too bad, after all, just because it meant she wasn't hanging onto the Doctor. He lifted a hand to rest on her waist. The Doctor's glare tightened, his jaw setting into a grimace.

"I don't think you're really so clever, Doctor," Adam said in defense.

The Doctor snorted. "Says someone who can't tell the difference between a functioning weapon and a hairdryer."

"Well, at least I think about preparing myself for a fight! You just carry around a screwdriver!"

The Doctor's eyebrows scrunched together dangerously. "You can talk to me about not carrying a gun around when you've been to war, _boy_."

Rose's eyes widened. Okay, this was going too far. She cleared her throat, effectively putting a halt to their argument.

"Adam, why don't I show you the library? It's huge." Rose said, slowly pulling him out of the galley and into the hall. She briefly looked over her shoulder at the Doctor, whose deathly glare hadn't dulled, and felt the slight temptation to stay. She really wanted to know what the Doctor had to say about this war, even though whatever he said now would come out in shouts. He was so _angry._

She left though, leading Adam away.

There was a crash as his mug of tea connected with the wall, and Rose heard the Doctor growl, _"Fuck."_

* * *

Adam was quick to snatch up a book and seat himself into one of the many armchairs situated around the vast library. Rose, however, found herself pacing the many isles and shelves. It took her a total of five minutes to decide to return to the galley. So much for keeping to her plan to make the Doctor outrageously jealous. She supposed she just cared too much. Adam hardly noticed when she left, not that it surprised her at all.

As she had expected, he was still standing where she had left him, brooding. The mug was on the floor, in pieces. Rose sighed, sucking up her pride. She opened her mouth to apologize, but the Doctor stopped her with a hand.

"I don't want to hear it," he grumbled.

She stood in front of him, smiling sadly. "I really am sorry. I shouldn't have invited Adam to come with us. This is my fault."

He didn't disagree. Not that she had been expecting him to.

She hesitated a moment, before continuing. "Doctor, you mentioned a war."

"The Time War," he mumbled, before correcting himself. "The last Time War."

She nodded her head once, letting him gather his thoughts.

"It was between my people and the Daleks. Everyone lost. And I was the only one who could end it."

"Oh, Doctor," Rose breathed, reaching up to uncross his arms. "What does that mean?"

The Doctor gazed down at the young, human woman, so very close to him. He bitterly wondered if she would run, if he told her. He was a killer, because he had to be. He wouldn't have blamed her, if she did decide to jump off deck, at the soonest opportunity. In fact, he expected it. Selfishly, he wanted to hold her to his chest, and squeeze tight, but in a moment, she would be cringing away in disgust. He would be cold, and alone again.

He told her exactly what it meant.

"So, I ended it."

"Oh, _Doctor," _she repeated sympathetically, hands soothing over his chest, searching for some kind of anchor. Something to tie herself down to his hearts, beating erratically in his ribcage. He swallowed his fear though, bravely marching on, just as he always did.

"I set fire to everything, burning down my own world to protect the rest of the universe, listening to the screams of my allies and enemies together. And now, I'm the only one left." The Doctor barked out a bitter laugh. "I win."

Shaky hands came to touch his cheeks, and he roughly pulled them away.

"Don't comfort me," he snapped. "You wanted to know who I was, back on Platform One, and now you do."

Rose swallowed. Adam would be noticing she was gone, soon. He would come looking for her. This was the first place he would go looking. Her chest constricted with pain as she met the Doctor's eyes. He wanted her to leave, so he could wallow in self-pity on his own. And he wanted her to stay, so someone could hold him close, and tell him he was forgiven. He barely had the chance to decide between his conflicting feelings before Rose decided for him.

Slender arms wrapped around his center, and she drew him into her small, soft body. The Doctor suddenly had a face full of bleached-blond hair that smelled of coconut and sugar cane. Her frame shook slightly, and he realized she was crying. Instead of running away from him, like she should have, she was in his arms, crying. For him. Moisture collected in his eyes at the thought, but he didn't dare allow the tears to fall.

"Rose," he quietly pleaded, "I'm not worth it, really. Go back to Adam. Show him around the TARDIS, have a good laugh. Don't cry because of me."

A choked sob escaped between her wet lips, before she was pressing them to the base of his throat. He inhaled sharply, stilling under her touch. Her breath was steamy against his skin, naturally a few degrees cooler than that of a human being, and he only just had the sense to lower his arms away from her. But the coconut of her shampoo was tantalizing, clogging out all other scents in the room.

He was distracted, and stupid enough to let her do as she wished, and was therefor taken by surprise when she suddenly yanked him down by the lapels of his jacket to cover his mouth with hers. It took him a second to recover from the shock and recognize what the kiss was for. However much she might have been attracted to him, and of this he doubted, she wasn't kissing him because of that.

It was much more basic.

Rose was giving him physical contact, something he had denied himself. With no one of his own species left in existence, he needed something to fill in the emptiness that had settled into his being. And her mind, though perfectly human, and without psychic capabilities, was singing. It was faint, almost impossible for even him to detect, but he could hear it. And it was beautiful.

The sound of another's mind was calming, after the silence. The void of his own mind, though pitch black and ever consuming, was a dull hum now-not gone, but lessened, by a degree. In its wake, the smallest space was left, a burning, golden, little spot for Rose. Her song grew louder, acting as morphine against the black ache in his head.

The Doctor pulled her closer, angling his head slightly, and pressed back. It was a temporary fix, he realized, but to have the empty agony roaring in his mind even slightly numbed was more pleasing to him than any adventure he'd ever shared with Rose. A soft whimper reverberated from deep in her throat as he crushed their mouths together more fully.

And then he remembered, humans needed to breathe.

The Doctor lifted his face away, looking into her chocolate eyes as she gasped, dragging oxygen into her lungs. Her pupils were dilated, her lips swollen, her breathing heavy. And that golden, singing spot she had put in his mind was fading too quickly for his liking. He pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes in concentration, trying to conjure her song up again.

"Doctor," Rose said, her voice cracking. She had to pause, as if not sure how to choose her words. "Your mind...it's so lonely."

"I know," he whispered back. "I used to be able to hear my family, my friends. Now, it's just quiet."

She nodded her head. "I guess it doesn't mean too much, I mean, I'm just a human, yeah? But I'm your friend now, if you need me to be."

She bit her lip when he looked down at her, stunned. There was so much guilt and self-hatred in his face. Why? It occurred to her that she was crying again, when his thumb swiped her tears away from under her eyes. _Oh. _No. No. No, he couldn't. He couldn't run away from her again. She wasn't sure she could handle that.

"You're the best friend I could have asked for," he admitted with a low voice. "Much more than I'll ever deserve. I shouldn't've done that...I shouldn't've let you see that, in my head. I've...taken advantage of you."

He could feel the last golden spark of her disappear from his mind, the shadowy gloom of all his regrets and sorrow devouring him again. The Doctor stepped back, before he could do any more damage to the perfect, little human who stood before him so innocently. He couldn't hurt her any more than he already had. He had already done so many unforgivable things, but hurting her would be worse. It would destroy him, too.

It was better for him to be in pain alone, than to make her suffer as well.

"No," she mumbled, "You can't keep doing that. I know I'm asking for too much, but stop...stop running away from me."

But, he did anyway. His expression hardened, hiding away all the misery and pain he had shown her. The Doctor turned, before quietly telling her, "Go find Adam. I'll look for somewhere interesting to land the TARDIS."

He began to step away, with every intention of leaving her in the galley.

"You can't decide what's best for me," she snarled.

He didn't even pause. "Yeah, I can."

"No, you can't. I'm not gonna look for Adam. And I'm not gonna let you escape like that. It isn't fair."

"No, it isn't," he snapped back. "But that's life, for you."

"You couldn't've taken advantage of me, Doctor. _I _kissed _you." _

Standing in the archway, he faced her again. "That doesn't matter."

"Like hell, it doesn't!" she said. "In fact, I think it matters too much. Because I _wanted _to kiss you. And you sure as hell didn't push me away."

"Don't be daft."

At that, her eyes went livid. She briskly approached him, too quickly stomping into his personal space. Rose knew she could very easily be making a huge mistake. But this knowledge didn't stop her.

Their lips met again, frantic, angry, _wet_ open-mouthed kisses pulling them together. Her nails dug into his scalp, running through his short, prickly hair as his large hands stretched over her bottom, then lifted her up onto his hips. He hissed as she nibbled on his lower lip, bringing it into her hot, little mouth. And then her tongue came out to soothe the bites she had made.

He blindly took her back into the galley, balancing her in one arm as he swept off the table, the vase Rose had convinced him into getting shattering on the ground. She was thrown down in its place, and she gasped in surprise as her back connected with the hard wood. The Doctor didn't so much as give her a moment to adjust before his rough kisses deepened. He swept his tongue through her mouth, gliding against hers, claiming dominance without bothering to ask. Not that she could have possibly won in a fight against him.

And then he was groping her, not even hesitating to touch her exactly as he wanted.

He was _so _furious, it was beyond comprehension. Something had snapped in him though, and now all the darkness she had glimpsed at in his mind was seeping out. He wanted her, needed her. He was searching instinctively for something to let his anger out on, and she had come to him, all too willingly. When he came to his senses later, the Doctor would regret what he was currently doing, but Rose knew she would not.

Because as that emptiness cleared from his mind, it left room for him to heal, if the Doctor allowed himself to. Though he would never admit it, he just needed someone to help him along. So she forgave him for his sins, even if it wasn't really her place.

His mouth then latched onto her throat, drinking her in. He was turning her into a mess of breathy moans and longing.

* * *

Adam had been broken out of his reverie by the sound of yelling. It wasn't too surprising, to hear the Doctor and Rose arguing, considering the looks they had been giving each other earlier. Intuition told him to steer clear of their mess, but curiosity got the best of him. Still not quite able to navigate the many corridors of the TARDIS, he simply followed the shouting sounds.

It didn't take him too long to find them, even after the screeching had mysteriously died down. They were in the galley, completely entangled, and utterly oblivious to his presence. He almost just turned back and left, to give them some privacy. He honestly did not want to see them having angry sex, which was clearly where this was going. He snorted at the thought.

Alerted to his unwanted presence now, the Doctor moved in a flash, quickly pulling out his sonic screwdriver, changing the setting, and pointing it in the direction of the archway into the galley. According to his wishes, the TARDIS created a door, and slammed it shut. Adam stared at the door that had appeared out of nowhere, before deciding to return to the library, because the room was by no means soundproof, if the cries Rose was making was any indication.

Adam conceded. The screwdriver had its uses.

_The End_

* * *

AN: I admit, I feel nervous posting this. Partially because I'm american, and I don't know if I've got the dialog right. Also...it's been so long since I've written fanfiction, and even longer since I've put something online. But I have recently been dragged, kicking and screaming, into the Doctor Who fandom. And I am absolutely obsessed now. I had to write something. Hopefully it wasn't absolute crap. Expect more, if this goes over well. I want to write some Ten/Rose. :)


End file.
